Thursday, September 2, 2010

C.I .N.T.A.

Gambaran akan kejadian itu terpeta lagi di mataku, betapa gagahnya dia dan sejuk di pandang mata saat dia mengenakan sarung dan topi sholat itu, tergugu aku melihatnya, sungguhkah dia yg saat ini ada di hadapanku, menatapku lembut sambil mengajakku untuk sholat magrib berjamaah.

Dan akupun mengenakan mukenaku, berdiri di sisi kirinya siap untuk melaksanakan sholat berjamaah, terdengar lembut ucapannya saat memulai sholat dan hatikupun berucap “ Ya Allah, terima kasih karena kau akhirnya mewujudkan keinginan hamba ini untuk bisa berjamaah dengan dia, keinginan yg selama ini terpendam akhirnya menjadi kenyataan”

Dan kini, saat kenangan itu terbayang lagi dimataku, tak terasa air mataku pun berjatuhan, akhirnya aku mengerti betapa indahnya sebuah pernikahan, pernikahan yang didasarkan atas cinta dan beriman hanya kepada Allah, persatuan dua manusia yang berbeda namun bisa bersatu hanya dengan satu tujuan, yaitu beribadah hanya kepada Allah SWT. Akankah aku mengalami yang seperti itu suatu saat nanti?

Bila aku mengingat kembali saat-saat pertama aku bertemu dia, saat itu dia memainkan gitarnya sambil menyenandungkan sebuah lagu, awalnya aku tidak menyadari akan lagu itu, tapi saat tatapan matanya hanya tertuju padaku dan aku pun mulai menyimak lirik lagu tersebut.

I don’t know why god gives me the change to know you

But all I know suddenly you come into my live

But first I guest that we only care for each other

And not realize the grow seeds of love (Your Smile by Fariz RM)

Aku pun menyedari saat pertama kenal aku hanya menganggap dia seseorang yang biasa, teman chat yang sering ku jumpai dan setelah itu pergi begitu saja, namun ternyata tanpa disadari oleh kami berdua rasa cinta itu tumbuh subur dan telah berkembang menjadi bunga-bunga yang mewarnai kehidupan kami.

Dan cinta yang saat ini aku rasakan pun bukan cinta yang hanya penuh dengan nafsu dan keegoisan belaka yang biasanya ku rasakan, cinta yang saat ini bersemi di hatiku hanyalah cinta yang penuh dengan ketulusan dan tanpa mementingkan diri sendiri, cinta yang tulus, tanpa ada keinginan untuk memiliki jika tau akan ada yang tersakiti.

Dan kini aku telah menemukan lirik yang tepat untuk mu, sebuah lagu yang bisa menjawab kebingungan akan arti dari pertemuan kita dan cinta terlarang kita yang telah berlangsung hamper 2 tahun ini.

Tuhan kirim kau kesini untuk ku cintai untuk menemani hidupku

Tuhan beri kau untukku bintang yang ku cari yang tlah hilang oleh waktu

Saat hidup tak menentu tak tentu arah tujuan kau datang, kau tunjukkan aku

Saat harapan memudar anganku pun mulai hilang tau tetap saja membakar hatiku

Waktu fantasiku telah mati, kau paksaku terus bermimpi (Tuhan Kirim Kau by Abby)

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Wednesday, March 17, 2010


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Thursday, January 28, 2010

Diamond in the mud


Today i realize that God still love me, even i always thought that he is abandon me, he left me alone but today i know that he never leave me, he always stay beside me even i've made some mistakes and did many things wrong.

This noon someone slapped me with his words, i know that what he said was true but i there is nothing that i can do. and all those words are only a dream for me.. He said that i am a lorn girl, a girl who always get left from anybody, from my father, my brother, and my ex boyfriends, they just left me all behind and never turn back just to look me if in case i need their help. He said that i just like a diamond in the mud, every one just look me disgusting and never try to take me and wash me with water of care and love

i wasn't upset bout his words, but it really make me relief that finally someone can hear my scream, all those scream that i cried all night since my mom died. Finally God hear me and send someone with good hear for me, even i can't make him mine but it really make me relief..

Thank you GOD.Thank you that you already send me someone special, some one that really can look me just who i am. I promise i won't be greedy but i beg you please don't took him again from me, let me feel his love and care for a while so i can put all of my tiredness, and i put a hope and pray for him that he really get a better luck and love from you cos of what he had done to me

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Monday, January 11, 2010

Lonely


Something strange happened to me to night, but to night i feel so lonely, i always get usually feel alone but to night i think i really need someone stand by me, to hold me and rub my back and said i'm here for you.

I just watch 'Pretty Woman' on TV, i saw how Richard G hold Julia R and she said I LOVE YOU, she though he already slept but he opened his eyes when he heard that, it's a very romantic movie, how a woman from nothing become something because of a knight with a white horse (in this case a white limo) save her.

I don't need a knight with a white horse or a white limo, i just need a knight with a white heart and accept me with all my weakness, can pull me from the deepest mud and put me next to him, side by side.

All i want is just to be loved, who hold me in his arm all night and make me believe that i'm his and he's mine. who told me not to dream again cos he already with me, who always give me support to live and never feel desperate because he always with me for better or worse, in sick or health, in any way of live

But until know GOD haven't hear my pray to send a knight like that. God still thinks that i've better be alone know. And i'll try to be patient and more patient and believe that someday God will send him to me

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Friday, January 8, 2010

confused


i dont know what happened to me, but today i really get confused, and i've been thinking all day and i still get confused. Why something like this happened to me again and i couldn't stop it even it's been a long time

today i woke up bout 6.30 am, as usually my lover call me, but because he has lots work to do he called me just bout 45 minutes, after i hung up his phone i go back to sleep again cos i still feel sleepy. and i had that dream, i dream bout my sun. after all this time i still miss him and love him even he always breaking my heart again and again for the last 7 years.. can you believe it, 7 years and i can't stop loving him.

in that dream, i saw him, i can't believe i still remember his face even i never see his picture and i never saw him for 6 years, but i still remember how he looked like. and he always around me, watching my moved, follow me wherever i go, even i ignore him. he looked me just like he need my help, his eyes told me that even his lips keep in silent

and when i woke up, i can't stop thinking bout him all this day. i waited for him on Yahoo Messenger until he showed. and i asked him if he is fine, he said he is fine, he asked me to and asked me to keep my healthy but i ignore all of his question, after i'm sure that he is fine, i deleted his account again on my messenger list, i don't want to see him if he is on line.

the funny thing bout this,i feel like what Tommy Page sings bout his song "TIME" is true, he said to me exactly like that lyric. it said :

you told me time will always heal the pain
bring the sun and dry the rain
we need time to solve and think our problems through
you told me time is always on my side
to turn the season, change the tide
things work out with time if you want them to
why can time makes me stop
loving you

Oh God, please help me to forget him...

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Thursday, January 7, 2010

my lovely day


after 2 weeks i never met him, after 6 days i couldn't connect to internet, after thousand hours deep in my heart i felt miss him so..finally he came to my house this morning..

he looked healthy, he said he's missing me and think bout me all the time since the last time we met, and then we made love hardly and full of passion at first time, like we never made love before, our sex never feel better and passion before.

and then he told me bout his journey to Semarang, how tired he was and couldn't stop his mind to thinking bout me, from 8 am to 3 pm we made love 4 times..

he is good in sex, but at first he put his penis into mine i always felt hurt, i felt like my vagina or the bone getting smaller even i'm not a virgin any more.

sometime i wish i can share my stories bout that with someone, but in here it's still a taboo for a woman like me made love before married.so all i can do is keep it in silent.

but after all, i really feel today is my lovely day... i can pamper him all the time cos he like to be pamper and i like to pamper him, i rub his back, stroking his hair, message him from head to toe, and play with his penis as long as i can until he came.

gosh i never realize that i love him badly...

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Friday, January 1, 2010

1st day in 2010


it's sucks...even my cousins come and stay in my home but i felt so lonely.. I miss my lover and he didn't reply my sms at all...

at 2 am my cousins felt a sleep soundly...yup they are so soundly so i cant sleep at all, they snored all night. i usually sleep alone and quietly, but when they were in here.. my room become so narrow and my space was only got 1 meter for sleep, dammed...

in the morning, the situation not getting better either... i already got slept at 2 pm and at 3 pm must woke up coz my brother came and disturbing me...

huh...what a hard day on 1st year...but at last i get my own time and can do some writing in here...happy new year...

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